Burning It All Down To A Soundtrack: Track #1 (TDTMHTD) - (MASTERED)
Track #1 of 5: I burned down my high school, I torched my local church, my family is in flames...but I only set the one fire.
Read “The Devil Taught Me How To Dance" for a creative introduction to this series. Want a more literal explanation of Audio Issues? Click here.
“For my mother—I hope you heal too. Thank you for loving me. I love you.”
Disclaimer: You do NOT have to listen to the accompanying music to understand this piece…but you will not get the entire multimedia experience and/or message without it. Please at least turn it on in the background at a comfortable volume that still allows you to read and comprehend. Thank you and enjoy.
Put on “Pyro” by Kings of Leon (2010)…
Single book of matches, gonna burn what's standing in the way
Roaring down the mountain, now they're calling on the fire brigade
Bury all the pictures, and tell the kids that I'm okay
If I'm forgotten, they'll remember me for today
I won't ever be your cornerstone.
In my manager's professional hands, I was going to be molded into a commercial pop hit. Being a cash-laden, bonafide rock star was almost guaranteed. I already learned all of my lines in preparation for my encore.
Our family has never been more happy or normal than we are right now!
Or is it…
This life is all falling down around us. We're going to lose everything.
Which lyric is the one we rehearsed again?
To this day I feel consistently deflated, even in my small successes—like an artist who knows they can produce better work. Maybe that’s why I’m pulling a Banksy. Shredding it all up to make myself feel better. For applause. For likes. For shares.
I worry that it’s all just a cheap cover version of the attention that I crave from him. But, before this series is over, you'll understand why I assembled this playlist. If you share it and enough people read it, my family might finally take some steps toward healing.
The sick praise that I used to enjoy has now been reduced to this Substack, some pictures, and of course, a great deal of music. But I’d rather find more within my story. I hope you would rather do that too. For better or worse, these songs shaped me into the man writing to you today. Let me share my songs in the hope that it might help you write your own lyrics.
What did it feel like to become a man? Let me play it for you…
My album came out. I'm turning 30 years old in 3 months. I'm already a has-been. I never even made it.
“Bad news, kid. They didn't just not care. They hated it.” The album flopped. Everyone’s hard work, all that collaboration…it resulted in nothing of importance. To anyone.
“Sell things to other people. Make money. Spend it on our family. Never leave us.” That's what my manager, what my friend, wanted from me. And that’s how I wrote songs for a long time.
All the black inside me is slowly seeping from the bone,
Everything I cherish is slowly dying or it's gone
Little shaking babies and drunkards seem to all agree,
Once the show gets started it's bound to be a sight to see
I won't ever be your cornerstone.
I was a teenage arsonist. I burned down my local church. I torched my high school. I flamed out of college—thrice. There's a lot of scorched earth where my family tree used to grow...can't you hear the music already?
That last verse is full of hyperbole and romantic self-service. I wasn’t technically a teenage arsonist. I didn’t burn down my school or my church. I didn’t even smoke, drink, or do drugs. In fact, I was a pretty “good” kid.
Unfortunately, I did literally start the fire on Cedar Forest Drive. I affected the money supply. I made everyone angry. I pushed the big, red button and I let everyone in the neighborhood in on the big, family secret.
Something is happening in that house.
Cancer. Smoke is a cancer. Spreading quickly through the air, crawling into corners and between cracks...its soot chokes the life out of everything. My thirteen years of memories and my brand-new guitar were no match. Just the other day, I remembered a penned lyric that I promised I'd never forget: "Flames lick before smoke devours..."
I bite my fingernails so that I don't have to see the grime beneath them. Mostly because the dirt reminds me of that slick, black substance that I never really scrubbed clean. Bits of carbon that first made filthy my hands and later, my teenage spirit.
The first cologne I ever wore wasn't Axe body spray. It was the charred stench of my childhood home. The safe place I'd grow up in, move out of, and eventually return, many times—it was in complete disrepair. And I caused it. I've tried everything. I don't know if I'll ever feel like my body is normal.
To be clear, I accidentally caused the fire that wrecked my (then) middle-class family's suburban paradise. Playing with a lighter. Not a single book of matches. Doing something that I knew I shouldn't be doing. I can still hear the fireman's last words to my father. Rolling the flattened firehose around a spindle and casually chewing a toothpick, his mustache might have moved more than his mouth did:
"You should have let the whole house burn down to the ground."
The blaze had stopped early. After it had been smothered, I was sure that I would be next. My punishment did eventually come, but not in the way that I'd expected it. Instead, I now only learned about my family through tragedy. My mistake had made my parents suddenly see me as a grownup. The bloodline bombshells of my young adulthood started raining down like hellfire. And boy, the hits just kept coming.
Your maternal grandfather? He was a homeless, alcoholic schizophrenic. That’s why he didn't come around here much. He just needed help, sooner, from someone else—wish he’d gotten it.
Your paternal grandmother? She’s a depressed alcoholic who lost an entire family’s worth of children due to complex reproductive issues. She hates your mother and isn’t a very good person anymore. She’s mentally broken your father. But if she comes over…remember, that’s your Mimi! She loves you very much.
Your maternal step-grandfather? The one we let teach you all about technology, history, and politics? The one who built you a working roller coaster out of a car engine? He’s a child molester—we’ve known for years. He scarred your mother. Can he take a look at our car? The engine’s running funny…
Your aunts? Uncles? Cousins? Many of them are alcoholics. And more importantly, they are lazy alcoholics—the worst kind. Make sure they get the pie we made onto the counter before it spills.
The music should be building by now…
Watch her run, can you feel it?
My parents no longer equipped me for what was coming. They told me everything and then went about their day. It was like I had set off the fire alarm and the first responders bolted out the door. Terror. Bewilderment. Contradiction. Anger. These became my normal habits.
I haven't been a truly good person ever since. The mediocre son and worse brother. The part-time boyfriend. The lazy student with an alcohol problem who ended up doing nothing but selling expensive things to poorer people. Another brick in the wall, for sure.
I can’t help it. I was baptized by fire.
I won't ever be your cornerstone.
No matter how hard I try.
I was alone. I was hurt. I was thirteen. I was a child. As an adult, I can’t express how often I just want to say out loud, “I am sorry.” I made a mistake that I promise I paid for longer than you did.
I often wish that I had been equipped enough to apologize for my sins years ago, when we loved one another. We could have performed separately. But that’s where my compassion stops and the feedback starts to come in.
Because of his actions, I’ve got to sing the song for us all. I’ve got to clear the air and turn on the family’s big, red “Now Recording” sign. I’ve got power now. I still know what’s coming next in this story. There’s a lot of material to perform.
I’ve got the setlist in my hands. He doesn’t even have a microphone.
— David Lynn
Once the show gets started it's bound to be a sight to see
#WhoIsHerbert #WhoIsHubert
Writer's notes:
This piece represents my own narcissism and tries to combine KOL's sad, persistent, droning rhythm with the soulful and oddly optimistic style of Caleb's vocal composition. It rings morose and ends with a virtual death threat (metaphorically speaking).
I've mistakenly & selfishly thought of myself as the cornerstone of my family for a long time. I'm now going solo. I'm sad about it, but it's what is best for me. Ever since the fire, and especially during my ensuing battle with alcohol, no one has seen the real me. After today, I'm changing that.
Many people don't feel comfortable hearing this type of message or sharing it with others. Please keep listening. Share if you can—every single one means so much. You might have to share the next one.
Now playing…
Track #2: “Billions of Pixels & A Few Million Dollars” is published and available here.
The profligate son (rap) battles his father for the future of their family & the world's largest private video game collection…
There is an explicit and uncensored NSFW version posted on Audio Issues, as well as a censored version.
Here’s an excerpt:
“Cinderella Man” by Eminem (2010)
I'm destroyin' your livelihood, I ain't just hurtin' your rep
I catch a flow and get goin', no remorse I'm showin', ain't slowin' for no one
Track #2: Billions of Pixels & A Few Million Dollars
I can’t come back home, but you’ll hear me from here. Hear this on the radio before I’m through. I hope the rest of our family breathes easier in my absence. I know you choke on it.
Don’t worry. I won’t tell them what you did to me until I get enough of my audience members seated. I’m the Usher and they’re here with me to let it burn. This is my show. I decide what time the doors open.
This is music, not cinema. Do you hear me? F**k blood—there will be hate.
If you don't comply, I won't hesitate. I will decimate. I will raze your beloved 3-story home with sonic information they'll hear from state to state.
These first two posts (the intro and Track #1) have been edited HEAVILY since their initial publishing.
They won't be changing anymore—sorry for the confusion. Check "hi, everyone," in my recent posts for more info!
New songs drop with Track #2 on Thursday, 10/20 and then at least a week in between each song after that.
🔥